Release: The End

CHICAGO

24 years later, I returned to the spot of deepest heart wound. I see the green grass I ran across into the night. My heart breaking. My soul disassociated. Tears streaming down my face. Words he spoke chasing at my heels. I could feel the heat, the heat of their hot breath on my calves. I sensed their growls, intent for my blood. 

Today the sun is shining and I feel it on my face. I hear the sounds of nature and my heart is made peaceful. 

I stand before the house where his words stabbed me deep in the heart, leaving a wound taking years to heal, whose scar will stay until I pass from this physical plane. I see the downstairs window where we sat, him confessing his feelings for another while passing judgement on my soul, my worthiness and my ability to be loved. This person I gave my entire heart to. The last person I loved with abandon. My innocence, my belief in love shattered. 

Today I release the pain of that single moment which caused me to flee and to find myself in a different country. Today I honor the decisions I made to protect myself. Today I  honor the choice to center cycle breaking. Today I forgive myself for loving you with abandon. Today I forgive myself for choosing not to see that you and I would never be evenly yoked. Today I accept all of the time it took me to heal. Today I stepped fully into my 50th year. 

I close this chapter of my life that I lived with the impact of other people's choices for me. I close this chapter of my life when I did not know about the beliefs and behaviors rooted in survival that were behind every decision I made, including choosing you, staying with you and allowing you to hurt me so deeply. 

Today I can finally say that I see the LIE in your words. Today I can finally say that you put on me what you felt for yourself. Today I release your judgment on my soul. I am innocent. I am pure. And I have demonstrated over and over and over again in my life that I love to serve. Long before I met you there was no doubt about my service at the sacred threshold. My only regret is that I allowed you to pass judgment on me. 

Today I accept that the narrative I have told myself about our relationship is my narrative. I do not know your story. I never asked and you never told. We were hurt and damaged people trying to have a loving relationship without knowing how to. And for my part, just know, I loved you for everything you are.  For your strengths and your faults. For your beauty. I loved you. Part of me still does and maybe that is the part that is hard to accept. So I do not release my love for you. I place it safely away as a testament to my innocence, purity, and love of service that I could still love you despite the harm you did. 

I release the emotional charge connected to my relationship with Jesse and how it ended. I walk away knowing that I have spent many years healing from this and it cannot come with me into the future. Jesse, I release you. 

26 year old Adalia, I release you. Let this become a distant memory representing the close of my youth. Release.