Two Cups of Tea: Pilgrimage 5

CHICAGO 

I give myself two cups of tea 

to write of you one last time.

The last love of my youth.

The breaking of the long dark night.

Deeper insights into my soul

A knowledge quest of 24 years 

It was you but about me

and it took decades to understand. 

The breaking was not my soul.

The breaking was not my heart.

The breaking was the carapace

that protected me and stunted me.

Loving you broke that shell 

leaving me raw, unprotected, young.

I have tried over and to put the pieces together, but they turned to sand, leaving me open to pain and learning. 

It took me two decades to get it.

That love was not the problem

The demons and ghosts of memories 

locked in cell and bone were the trouble.

Would I have chosen you if I were not hunted? 

Would I have embarked on a twenty year

knowledge quest if I had not chosen you?

Would I have felt the embrace of God had I not chosen you? 

Would I have become a purified diamond had I not chosen you? 

Would the end of this quest ever have come had I not chosen you? 

no.

Gratitude for my integrity making it impossible to consider reconnecting. 

Gratitude for disassociation that I could live long enough to let anger carry me away. 

Gratitude to anger for keeping me alive. 

Gratitude to self preservation for keeping up the wall.

Gratitude to the broken girl that chose cycle breaking as her life's legacy. 

It was always about wound healing. 

To the last love of my youth, 

I hope life has taught you the lessons you needed.

I hope you are at peace 

I hope you are happy

I hope you do not remember me

Be at peace. It is done. 

It took only one cup of tea. 

Release: The End

CHICAGO

24 years later, I returned to the spot of deepest heart wound. I see the green grass I ran across into the night. My heart breaking. My soul disassociated. Tears streaming down my face. Words he spoke chasing at my heels. I could feel the heat, the heat of their hot breath on my calves. I sensed their growls, intent for my blood. 

Today the sun is shining and I feel it on my face. I hear the sounds of nature and my heart is made peaceful. 

I stand before the house where his words stabbed me deep in the heart, leaving a wound taking years to heal, whose scar will stay until I pass from this physical plane. I see the downstairs window where we sat, him confessing his feelings for another while passing judgement on my soul, my worthiness and my ability to be loved. This person I gave my entire heart to. The last person I loved with abandon. My innocence, my belief in love shattered. 

Today I release the pain of that single moment which caused me to flee and to find myself in a different country. Today I honor the decisions I made to protect myself. Today I  honor the choice to center cycle breaking. Today I forgive myself for loving you with abandon. Today I forgive myself for choosing not to see that you and I would never be evenly yoked. Today I accept all of the time it took me to heal. Today I stepped fully into my 50th year. 

I close this chapter of my life that I lived with the impact of other people's choices for me. I close this chapter of my life when I did not know about the beliefs and behaviors rooted in survival that were behind every decision I made, including choosing you, staying with you and allowing you to hurt me so deeply. 

Today I can finally say that I see the LIE in your words. Today I can finally say that you put on me what you felt for yourself. Today I release your judgment on my soul. I am innocent. I am pure. And I have demonstrated over and over and over again in my life that I love to serve. Long before I met you there was no doubt about my service at the sacred threshold. My only regret is that I allowed you to pass judgment on me. 

Today I accept that the narrative I have told myself about our relationship is my narrative. I do not know your story. I never asked and you never told. We were hurt and damaged people trying to have a loving relationship without knowing how to. And for my part, just know, I loved you for everything you are.  For your strengths and your faults. For your beauty. I loved you. Part of me still does and maybe that is the part that is hard to accept. So I do not release my love for you. I place it safely away as a testament to my innocence, purity, and love of service that I could still love you despite the harm you did. 

I release the emotional charge connected to my relationship with Jesse and how it ended. I walk away knowing that I have spent many years healing from this and it cannot come with me into the future. Jesse, I release you. 

26 year old Adalia, I release you. Let this become a distant memory representing the close of my youth. Release.

Barren land

5 decades

never knowing love

never being loved

a life not fully lived

stuck in a barren

no man's land

where fascades of love 

loose luster and promise

to stay 

to leave 

to believe something will change

to accept nothing will change 

fearing never experiencing love

hopeful that love is found 

indecision a slow death 

love that accepts flaws with grace

love that embraces laughter 

love that is autonomous 

love that craves connection 

love that is balanced

love that desires expression 

love that is patient

Gratitude: Pilgrimage 4

 McIver Rd

Love for nature was born 

While romping through the woods 

Going on trek to the waterfall 

Playing hide and seek in the cornfields 

Lying down in the long grass watching the sky 

The adult child was born 

While saying no 

Experiencing the power of my voice and two letters 

I was never violated again 

The child mother was born 

While listening to my intuition 

And the cries of my siblings and my mother 

With out age, years, experience 

I became a parent 

and knew fear, doubt, and aloneness. 

I reclaim the pieces of me that were lost when stepping into adulthood prematurely 

I acknowledge the power I was given in order to survive 

I give God gratitude for intervening in my times of need.

I embrace my child self with gratitude and love for her courage, resourcefulness, and trust in God. 

Be at peace. 

It is done.

Be at Peace: Pilgrimage 3

 Limit Street 

Children playing 

Laughter 

Swinging higher on the swings 

Going around faster on the Merry-Go-Round 

Sliding down head first on the slide 

The memories I have of this place. 

Playing with my friends 

Baseball games coached by my father 

Learning to tie my shoes 

Haunted house on our first floor

These are the memories I have of this place 

Abused children acting out one another 

The terror of screaming and anger and violence 

Breaking records 

Breaking hearts 

These are The memories I have of this place 

Being pinned down on the top bunk 

Seeing myself outside of myself 

Losing another piece of myself 

These are the memories I have of this place 

Prayer and community and laughter and song

Lived alongside terror and violation

These are the memories I have of this place 

I send grace and healing into the ether for all the children who were violated here

I reclaim my voice for the silent child 

I reclaim Justice for the violated child 

I reclaim peace for the terrorized child 

I reclaim love for the shamed child 

I reclaim the pieces of me that were lost here

Be at peace. 

It is done.

Reclamation: Pilgrimage 2

Jasper avenue 

Dark memories are here in this place 

Great losses are experienced in this place 

The first of many heartbreaks occurred in this place. 

In this place my father broke the sacred parental bond. 

In this place he made us prey to those who would hurt us. 

In this place, prayer and terror lived as one. 

I reclaim the pieces of myself that were lost here in this place. 

I reclaim the nobility of my soul 

I reclaim the sacredness of parental love 

I reclaim the innocence of my heart 

I reclaim the power was taken 

I reclaim the piece of My Soul 

that was separated in order to preserve and protect me. 

In this place I take my divine right to peace, love, and compassion. 

Be at peace. 

It is done. 

Our Hands: Pilgrimage 1

Lincoln Village 

Grandma Sarah 

With hands like mine 

My hands like yours 

Scratching my head

Greasing my scalp

Combing my hair

Weaving the strands 

into tight cornrows

With hands like mine, 

my hands like yours

Playing Trouble

Cooking field peas 

Cornmeal pancakes 

Collard greens 

Rice 

Biscuits 

Fried chicken

With hands like mine 

My hands like yours 

With hands like mine, 

my hands like yours 

heating the iron comb 

on the stove 

Watching smoke as you 

straighten your hair

I come to this place of ghosts and memories 

Thinking of you 

Thinking of you in the safe place 

Remembering your voice

Remembering your laugh 

Remembering your smile 

Remembering the colorful things 

you would say 

Remembering sitting on the stoop 

while you braided my hair 

I was safe 

I was at peace. 

I am in gratitude. 

I am in love. 

I am home. 

Where Healing Lays

This final breath to contain

a whisper of your name

the hazy vision of your face

exhaled into the ether to dissipate. 

Even now, years later, the loss

sits deep in my bones 

aching in my joints 

lingering like a cold winter. 

I have discovered it's true name

it isn't yours, it is mine

the memory of the person 

I was before you, before heartbreak. 

The name is mine 

The loss is me

The faded visage my own

A piece of me lies in the grass

I ran across 

On the train seat 

where I sat

In the city that flew by

my window

In the tears that coursed 

down the contours on my face.

That piece of me is what 

I long to reclaim 

She is who I have grieved

She is who I have longed for

She is who desires peace 

No more breaths will 

contain the whisper of your name

the hazy memory of your face. 

This is all. This is the end. 

Regret

Learn today.
Don't wait.
Learn now to use your voice.
Learn to say no.
Learn to say yes.
Learn to speak your truth.
Be silent for no one
Be silent only for yourself

Learn to speak for your inner voice.

Learn to be fearless.

Learn to speak with courage 

Learn to advocate for yourself.

Learn to advocate for others.

Learn to speak up even to those who

think they know 

Learn to speak for yourself even if you 

may offend 

Learn today.

Don't wait 

Learn so that you don't live with the 

regret of not having said anything. 

- For my Light. I love you. I am sorry. 

Second Adolescence

 I wish for a time that is no more
A life well lived 
A life with no regrets
A life unburdened with memory
A life before deepest heartbreak
A life that believed in love
A life that found rejuvenation in movement.

I wish for a time that is no more.
I see a stranger in the mirror.
I see a body weighted down.
I see through tired eyes. 
I see loss of beauty.
I see lack of courage.

I wish for a time that is no more.
When words came without pause.
When movement came without pain.
When love was untarnished. 
When I didn't see the price of joy. 
When I didn't know the cost of love. 

I wish for a time that is no more.
The time when I knew myself.
The time when I was courageous. 
The time when innocence was bliss. 
The time when I didn't notice my body. 
The time when I didn't worry about the future.
The time when I could sleep with ease. 

I wish for a time that is no more. 
I knew what to expect.
I knew my place in the world.
I knew how to dance with abandon. 
I knew how to be of service. 
I knew how to sit in silence. 

i wish for a time that is no more.
Who is this person I am becoming?
What is her place in the world?
When will she accept her body?
How will she release her burdens? 
When will the mirror reflect who she is?
 
Let go of the past.
Let go of the familiar.
Let go of the longing for what was.
Let go of fear and step courageously
into the next phase of life. 
Now is the time to cherish a blessed youth.
Now is the time to have gratitude for a charmed life.
Now is the time to embrace understanding.
Now is the time to step into wholeness. 

Ancestor Promise

 In my heart the waves rise and fall. 

An ocean of memory.

Memory reaching into the horizon. 

The horizon of my soul. 

My soul longing for roots. 

Roots deep and intertwined. 

Deep and intertwined steady and strong.

Steady and strong like the resilience of my ancestors.

My ancestors of dream and hope are more than a collection of pain and sorrow. 

Dream and hope woven into my very being to be made real. 

Made real by walking the Cedar Road of my soul's purpose. 

My soul's purpose to gather up the ocean of their tears of agony and elation into my heart and carry them into our bright future. 

In my heart the waves rise and fall.