Two Cups of Tea: Pilgrimage 5

CHICAGO 

I give myself two cups of tea 

to write of you one last time.

The last love of my youth.

The breaking of the long dark night.

Deeper insights into my soul

A knowledge quest of 24 years 

It was you but about me

and it took decades to understand. 

The breaking was not my soul.

The breaking was not my heart.

The breaking was the carapace

that protected me and stunted me.

Loving you broke that shell 

leaving me raw, unprotected, young.

I have tried over and to put the pieces together, but they turned to sand, leaving me open to pain and learning. 

It took me two decades to get it.

That love was not the problem

The demons and ghosts of memories 

locked in cell and bone were the trouble.

Would I have chosen you if I were not hunted? 

Would I have embarked on a twenty year

knowledge quest if I had not chosen you?

Would I have felt the embrace of God had I not chosen you? 

Would I have become a purified diamond had I not chosen you? 

Would the end of this quest ever have come had I not chosen you? 

no.

Gratitude for my integrity making it impossible to consider reconnecting. 

Gratitude for disassociation that I could live long enough to let anger carry me away. 

Gratitude to anger for keeping me alive. 

Gratitude to self preservation for keeping up the wall.

Gratitude to the broken girl that chose cycle breaking as her life's legacy. 

It was always about wound healing. 

To the last love of my youth, 

I hope life has taught you the lessons you needed.

I hope you are at peace 

I hope you are happy

I hope you do not remember me

Be at peace. It is done. 

It took only one cup of tea.