Two Cups of Tea: Pilgrimage 5

CHICAGO 

I give myself two cups of tea 

to write of you one last time.

The last love of my youth.

The breaking of the long dark night.

Deeper insights into my soul

A knowledge quest of 24 years 

It was you but about me

and it took decades to understand. 

The breaking was not my soul.

The breaking was not my heart.

The breaking was the carapace

that protected me and stunted me.

Loving you broke that shell 

leaving me raw, unprotected, young.

I have tried over and to put the pieces together, but they turned to sand, leaving me open to pain and learning. 

It took me two decades to get it.

That love was not the problem

The demons and ghosts of memories 

locked in cell and bone were the trouble.

Would I have chosen you if I were not hunted? 

Would I have embarked on a twenty year

knowledge quest if I had not chosen you?

Would I have felt the embrace of God had I not chosen you? 

Would I have become a purified diamond had I not chosen you? 

Would the end of this quest ever have come had I not chosen you? 

no.

Gratitude for my integrity making it impossible to consider reconnecting. 

Gratitude for disassociation that I could live long enough to let anger carry me away. 

Gratitude to anger for keeping me alive. 

Gratitude to self preservation for keeping up the wall.

Gratitude to the broken girl that chose cycle breaking as her life's legacy. 

It was always about wound healing. 

To the last love of my youth, 

I hope life has taught you the lessons you needed.

I hope you are at peace 

I hope you are happy

I hope you do not remember me

Be at peace. It is done. 

It took only one cup of tea. 

Release: The End

CHICAGO

24 years later, I returned to the spot of deepest heart wound. I see the green grass I ran across into the night. My heart breaking. My soul disassociated. Tears streaming down my face. Words he spoke chasing at my heels. I could feel the heat, the heat of their hot breath on my calves. I sensed their growls, intent for my blood. 

Today the sun is shining and I feel it on my face. I hear the sounds of nature and my heart is made peaceful. 

I stand before the house where his words stabbed me deep in the heart, leaving a wound taking years to heal, whose scar will stay until I pass from this physical plane. I see the downstairs window where we sat, him confessing his feelings for another while passing judgement on my soul, my worthiness and my ability to be loved. This person I gave my entire heart to. The last person I loved with abandon. My innocence, my belief in love shattered. 

Today I release the pain of that single moment which caused me to flee and to find myself in a different country. Today I honor the decisions I made to protect myself. Today I  honor the choice to center cycle breaking. Today I forgive myself for loving you with abandon. Today I forgive myself for choosing not to see that you and I would never be evenly yoked. Today I accept all of the time it took me to heal. Today I stepped fully into my 50th year. 

I close this chapter of my life that I lived with the impact of other people's choices for me. I close this chapter of my life when I did not know about the beliefs and behaviors rooted in survival that were behind every decision I made, including choosing you, staying with you and allowing you to hurt me so deeply. 

Today I can finally say that I see the LIE in your words. Today I can finally say that you put on me what you felt for yourself. Today I release your judgment on my soul. I am innocent. I am pure. And I have demonstrated over and over and over again in my life that I love to serve. Long before I met you there was no doubt about my service at the sacred threshold. My only regret is that I allowed you to pass judgment on me. 

Today I accept that the narrative I have told myself about our relationship is my narrative. I do not know your story. I never asked and you never told. We were hurt and damaged people trying to have a loving relationship without knowing how to. And for my part, just know, I loved you for everything you are.  For your strengths and your faults. For your beauty. I loved you. Part of me still does and maybe that is the part that is hard to accept. So I do not release my love for you. I place it safely away as a testament to my innocence, purity, and love of service that I could still love you despite the harm you did. 

I release the emotional charge connected to my relationship with Jesse and how it ended. I walk away knowing that I have spent many years healing from this and it cannot come with me into the future. Jesse, I release you. 

26 year old Adalia, I release you. Let this become a distant memory representing the close of my youth. Release.