Lessons to Unlearn

You are the beginning.
You are the root.
You were the first to leave me alone.
You were the first to turn your back on me.
You were the first to break sacred trust.
You were the first severing.
You were the first to inspire fierce independence.
You were the first deep heartbreak.
You were the first to corrupt love.
You were the first I built a wall against.

Carrying the burden of your brokenness.
Severing to survive is the lesson I learned.
Severing to survive
not being loved is the lesson learned.
Severing to survive
breaking sacred trust is the lesson learned.
Severing to survive
aloneness is the lesson learned. 

All it would have 
taken was
one heartfelt
authentic 
sentence 
to heal it all...
"I'm sorry." 

The song my sister sent me that inspired this poem.

For My Compassionate Sister

What is it that 
creates compassion
out of hardship?
Why could you 
not have
compassion?
How is it 
that those left
with your brokenness
hold compassion?
How could you 
not take your hardship
and choose different?
How is it that the
courage you lacked
is in abundance in
your absence?
Why did you not
choose differently?
Why did you not choose
courage when it mattered
most?
Why did you not 
have the courage to 
fight yourself for
us?

The song my sister sent me that inspired this poem.

A Bad Death

 Death puts all hope
of creating something
different out of reach.
Left behind
the broken promises
the broken pieces
where wishing things
were different is 
a road leading to loss.

Death with words
not spoken
is a wide open space
that cannot be filled.

Death becomes the final
broken piece of a 
broken life of
broken pieces
only you can put
together,
the pieces your 
legacy,
the pieces are
yours.

 The song my sister sent me that inspired this poem.

The Moment

The moment love was 
withheld sits with
finality in my bones.
In that moment 
was the final 
severing.
Not understanding 
just how flimsy
that final thread 
of love was. 
I thought it was
a clean cut.
It was actually 
a tightly woven knot.
To admit I ever 
needed love from you
catches in my throat
to find no words
willing to hold it.
In my mind's memory
a litany of chances to
do better to
make amends
disappears into the
darkest pit of lost love.
A thousand cuts
left to be healed alone.
The moment love was
withheld sits with finality 
in my bones. 

The song my sister sent that inspired this poem.

words waiting

 i don't want to give u the world, just 
me. it s enough, cuz, u see, i am a 
world reflected in urs, is beautiful

here's a flashlight, for
when the road gets dark (and
a walking stick for the hike up
or back down; its not easy
to not trip when ur tipsy on-
and i kno how u like whiskey, so
here is a silver flask)

if ur hand is cold, i ll knit u some mittens
and one for ur nose too, i kno how it gets 
lonely and tired following the scent of ur
dream s trail,

the sun rising hurts because it remembers u
the moon moving hurts because it loves far u
the ocean waves because it s waiting for u
the wind blows to u because it s my breath
u hurt n laugh because u r alive

and u can be up or down, i m a roller ride too,
u can left or right, south or north cuz i ve been
spinning too, u can deflate n burst cuz i won t st-
op breathing either, hey that birthmark on ur skin
is lovely, a training wheel

love, if tomorrow i m not next to u, dont worry it
s only my body missing but, u see, i am a
world reflected in u looking back at me

         - to me from the boy with the African eyes, 1999

Memories In Song

 I think of days gone by

wishing I had 

a picture 

a video

but I have music.

In melody, lyric, sound 

memories flood my mind 

longing fills my heart 

for a moment I am in 

a time

a place 

long gone by. 

My Oldest Dearest Friend

The holder of my heart 

The seat of my soul

Young girl running, playing, hiking in woods 

Laying in tall grass contemplating the universe out there and in here

Sunkissed, wind touched skin

Vanquished abuser - one word, feet planted, straight back

Cared for siblings with gentle hands and fearful heart

The vessel for my children 

Survivor of a difficult delivery and a silent heartbeat 

Repository of the potential and fulfillment of creativity

Bearer of scars from falls and broken hearts

World traveller, spirit at peace, finding reflections of itself in Asma, Sofia, Faysal - countless hearts speaking to mine

Beautiful to the grandmother on the elevator, the man on the subway

Salsa Queen birthed from African and Indigenous rhythms, bound to ancestors through melody and movement 

The tether of  my soul in this first life, each phase full of learning, growth that I my take with me when the tether is no more

Learning to love with grace, compassion, authenticity all the phases as time passes. 

Gratitude for my oldest, dearest friend. 

10 Years In Tears

Time slips between fingers

Opened in submission 

Clutched in desperation 

Flying by a train's window 

Sliding off a plane's wing

Time trapped in memory 

becomes nostalgia. 

Dissipates in the breaths

of goodbye

Dies on the whispered hopes

of a child 

Collapses woman into girl

with the necessity of survival 

Light returned to sun across 

the soul's infinity 

Ten years in tears 

Ten years in laughter

Ten years in dance

Time does not heal all wounds. 

The Time Remaining

Words fall onto my heart with a softness that soothes.

Meaning wrapped in love finds the barren place. 

Whispers of understanding like wind gently caressing my face. 

Worth beyond gold was always at the center, shining brightly in the Universe of my creation. 

Questing has always been to return to the sacred place. 

Divinely formed with purpose from the very beginning. 

Light of powerful wisdom flowing  from crown to sole. 

Never alone on this quest for healing.

Shaking off the grime of others' choices. 

Remembering the power of the Word stand in the sacred place. 

Claim the treasures of worth and purpose. 

Trust in my choice to be here at this Time. 

Center purpose, love, wisdom, trust on the quest that will take me Home. 

Words fall onto my heart with a softness that soothes.

The Dance

I can't go back 

I can't go back to disconnection 

I can't go back to youthful ignorance 

I can't go back to fragments 

I can't go back only feeling whole in movement

I can only move forward

My mind is different 

My body is different 

My relation to the world is different 

I want more 

I want authenticity

I want connection

I want coherence 

I want to move in wholeness in all ways 

I want to love myself in all of my incarnations 

Then the dance will truly be mine