My Oldest Dearest Friend

The holder of my heart 

The seat of my soul

Young girl running, playing, hiking in woods 

Laying in tall grass contemplating the universe out there and in here

Sunkissed, wind touched skin

Vanquished abuser - one word, feet planted, straight back

Cared for siblings with gentle hands and fearful heart

The vessel for my children 

Survivor of a difficult delivery and a silent heartbeat 

Repository of the potential and fulfillment of creativity

Bearer of scars from falls and broken hearts

World traveller, spirit at peace, finding reflections of itself in Asma, Sofia, Faysal - countless hearts speaking to mine

Beautiful to the grandmother on the elevator, the man on the subway

Salsa Queen birthed from African and Indigenous rhythms, bound to ancestors through melody and movement 

The tether of  my soul in this first life, each phase full of learning, growth that I my take with me when the tether is no more

Learning to love with grace, compassion, authenticity all the phases as time passes. 

Gratitude for my oldest, dearest friend. 

10 Years In Tears

Time slips between fingers

Opened in submission 

Clutched in desperation 

Flying by a train's window 

Sliding off a plane's wing

Time trapped in memory 

becomes nostalgia. 

Dissipates in the breaths

of goodbye

Dies on the whispered hopes

of a child 

Collapses woman into girl

with the necessity of survival 

Light returned to sun across 

the soul's infinity 

Ten years in tears 

Ten years in laughter

Ten years in dance

Time does not heal all wounds. 

The Time Remaining

Words fall onto my heart with a softness that soothes.

Meaning wrapped in love finds the barren place. 

Whispers of understanding like wind gently caressing my face. 

Worth beyond gold was always at the center, shining brightly in the Universe of my creation. 

Questing has always been to return to the sacred place. 

Divinely formed with purpose from the very beginning. 

Light of powerful wisdom flowing  from crown to sole. 

Never alone on this quest for healing.

Shaking off the grime of others' choices. 

Remembering the power of the Word stand in the sacred place. 

Claim the treasures of worth and purpose. 

Trust in my choice to be here at this Time. 

Center purpose, love, wisdom, trust on the quest that will take me Home. 

Words fall onto my heart with a softness that soothes.

The Dance

I can't go back 

I can't go back to disconnection 

I can't go back to youthful ignorance 

I can't go back to fragments 

I can't go back only feeling whole in movement

I can only move forward

My mind is different 

My body is different 

My relation to the world is different 

I want more 

I want authenticity

I want connection

I want coherence 

I want to move in wholeness in all ways 

I want to love myself in all of my incarnations 

Then the dance will truly be mine

Two Cups of Tea: Pilgrimage 5

CHICAGO 

I give myself two cups of tea 

to write of you one last time.

The last love of my youth.

The breaking of the long dark night.

Deeper insights into my soul

A knowledge quest of 24 years 

It was you but about me

and it took decades to understand. 

The breaking was not my soul.

The breaking was not my heart.

The breaking was the carapace

that protected me and stunted me.

Loving you broke that shell 

leaving me raw, unprotected, young.

I have tried over and to put the pieces together, but they turned to sand, leaving me open to pain and learning. 

It took me two decades to get it.

That love was not the problem

The demons and ghosts of memories 

locked in cell and bone were the trouble.

Would I have chosen you if I were not hunted? 

Would I have embarked on a twenty year

knowledge quest if I had not chosen you?

Would I have felt the embrace of God had I not chosen you? 

Would I have become a purified diamond had I not chosen you? 

Would the end of this quest ever have come had I not chosen you? 

no.

Gratitude for my integrity making it impossible to consider reconnecting. 

Gratitude for disassociation that I could live long enough to let anger carry me away. 

Gratitude to anger for keeping me alive. 

Gratitude to self preservation for keeping up the wall.

Gratitude to the broken girl that chose cycle breaking as her life's legacy. 

It was always about wound healing. 

To the last love of my youth, 

I hope life has taught you the lessons you needed.

I hope you are at peace 

I hope you are happy

I hope you remember me

Be at peace. It is done. 

It took only one cup of tea. 

Release: The End

CHICAGO

24 years later, I returned to the spot of deepest heart wound. I see the green grass I ran across into the night. My heart breaking. My soul disassociated. Tears streaming down my face. Words he spoke chasing at my heels. I could feel the heat, the heat of their hot breath on my calves. I sensed their growls, intent for my blood. 

Today the sun is shining and I feel it on my face. I hear the sounds of nature and my heart is made peaceful. 

I stand before the house where his words stabbed me deep in the heart, leaving a wound taking years to heal, whose scar will stay until I pass from this physical plane. I see the downstairs window where we sat, him confessing his feelings for another while passing judgement on my soul, my worthiness and my ability to be loved. This person I gave my entire heart to. The last person I loved with abandon. My innocence, my belief in love shattered. 

Today I release the pain of that single moment which caused me to flee and to find myself in a different country. Today I honor the decisions I made to protect myself. Today I  honor the choice to center cycle breaking. Today I forgive myself for loving you with abandon. Today I forgive myself for choosing not to see that you and I would never be evenly yoked. Today I accept all of the time it took me to heal. Today I stepped fully into my 50th year. 

I close this chapter of my life that I lived with the impact of other people's choices for me. I close this chapter of my life when I did not know about the beliefs and behaviors rooted in survival that were behind every decision I made, including choosing you, staying with you and allowing you to hurt me so deeply. 

Today I can finally say that I see the LIE in your words. Today I can finally say that you put on me what you felt for yourself. Today I release your judgment on my soul. I am innocent. I am pure. And I have demonstrated over and over and over again in my life that I love to serve. Long before I met you there was no doubt about my service at the sacred threshold. My only regret is that I allowed you to pass judgment on me. 

Today I accept that the narrative I have told myself about our relationship is my narrative. I do not know your story. I never asked and you never told. We were hurt and damaged people trying to have a loving relationship without knowing how to. And for my part, just know, I loved you for everything you are.  For your strengths and your faults. For your beauty. I loved you. Part of me still does and maybe that is the part that is hard to accept. So I do not release my love for you. I place it safely away as a testament to my innocence, purity, and love of service that I could still love you despite the harm you did. 

I release the emotional charge connected to my relationship with Jesse and how it ended. I walk away knowing that I have spent many years healing from this and it cannot come with me into the future. Jesse, I release you. 

26 year old Adalia, I release you. Let this become a distant memory representing the close of my youth. Release.

Barren land

5 decades

never knowing love

never being loved

a life not fully lived

stuck in a barren

no man's land

where fascades of love 

loose luster and promise

to stay 

to leave 

to believe something will change

to accept nothing will change 

fearing never experiencing love

hopeful that love is found 

indecision a slow death 

love that accepts flaws with grace

love that embraces laughter 

love that is autonomous 

love that craves connection 

love that is balanced

love that desires expression 

love that is patient