10 Years In Memorandum

It has been nearly a decade since my epic dark time brought about by a young man I once loved. It has been 10 years and it seems that the visceral experiences of that time have living memories in my very cells. I cannot seem to reach the root of the wound. I cannot seem to find the correct elixir to heal. The experience, so surreal and so profound, seems to have left a wound I may never heal. I have been to numerous therapists. I have lived in other countries gathering new experiences. Experiences that I thought would bury and eventually make the past fade into nothing yet nearly 10 years later, the pain is still there. I have married a man so different, so loving, that I thought for sure I would find peace...but for now it seems, this is not to be. God, something in  me broke that I have not fixed. Something so essential to who I am was broken but I don't know what it is. I must find what is broken. I want to no longer be a prisoner to this dark time in my past. I want to move on, finally and for real.

Ice and Fire Memories

all was cold 

all was numb

all was silent

in the night air

leaving you and

your words behind

no with me

frozen in my chest

heavy with ice

tears fall unbidden

the city flashes by

in cold numbness

all is burning

all is flames

all is fire

a pain so deep

i want only 

to crawl out of my skin

i am burning

in the flames of pain

in the flames of shame

in the flames of grief

you are frozen in time

you are frozen in place

an image to hate

an image to blame

an image of loss

you are pain

you are the flames of pain

you are the flames of judgement

you are the flames of betrayal

you are ice and fire